I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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