The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
this just has baby written all over it
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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