I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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