I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
