The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
We just shotgunned beers for America
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
