just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
