he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize