When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
people are starting to question the shark bite story
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize