Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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