My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
even my farts smell like vagina
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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