I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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