I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize