I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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