He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just want nice things and good sex
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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