You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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