am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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