dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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