Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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