Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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