Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize