Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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