At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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