Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
