his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
