I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
