You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
