My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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