his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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