I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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