Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
pray to the hookup gods
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
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