3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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