You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
