Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize