You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
