Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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