just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
But break dance skills will only take you so far
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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