Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize