i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
