so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize