Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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