my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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