Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
