Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
