I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
