bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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