remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
