if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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