Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize