So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
