Don't make out with my wife yet
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
