Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
