Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
