i would punch a child for taco bell
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
