I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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