Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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