Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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