Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize