Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
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