saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
