mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i drank out of a bidet.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
