You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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