while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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