He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I want to have your abortion
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
