Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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