Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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