So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize