Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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